I spent a loooong time nannying while I was in grad school… It was the perfect grad school job, and I was fortunate to have awesome families that I worked for. I wrote these while I was nannying full time.. Sigh, those were good days….
Yes, I’m posting twice today. Homework is not happening. This is the only other thing I could think of that is semi-productive.
I told myself this morning that I was going to leave work with as clean of clothes as I came here with. I thought that if I reeeally put my mind to it, was extra careful and vigilant, my clothing would certainly depart from this place unscathed.
Obviously, I was wrong. Within only a few hours of being with Little Lady, she shoved her face in to the leg of my jeans, and lo and behold, there I am now proudly donning a snot stain.
This may sound gross to the non-nanny/non-mother reader, but there are just some things one must come to grips with every time they are with children. This inspired me to compile a list for nannies. They are:
1) You will never, ever have a clean floor. No matter how many times you kindly remind the little angel to eat over his/her plate, there will be more crumbs/pizza sauce/Cheerios on the floor than in the kid’s mouth. The hand broom/dust pan is your friend. It’s just a fact of life.
2) The kid’s hands will remain clean for a whopping thirty seconds. As soon as you force the sweetie to wash his/her hands (after inevitable rebellion), he/she will beeline to the nearest mudpile/sandbox/sticky substance/trash can. If none of these are available, hands WILL end up in his/her germy little mouth.
3) You may try to look cute because you happen to have worked in to conversation to the cute guy who hangs out at Starbucks that no, she is not your kid. You are her nanny.. And no, you’re not seeing anyone (eyelash flutter+showing him how great you are with kids=total wife material). But, any designer piece you dare to wear will end up smeared with peanut butter. And forget about accessories. Little ladies loooove jewelry, and everyone knows, finder’s keepers. You may find it back again some day in the dress up bin.. That’s always a good starting point to search.
4) If you happen to be a daily Mass-er with your charge, be patient with the behavior training. There will be days when the little sweetie just doesn’t want to be good. Just focus on the glass of straight vodka you will be having the second you’re off duty, and patience will abound.
5) Playground etiquette: every other nanny thinks their charge is an angel too. As long as they know that yours is the most angelic, things will become better. There is nothing wrong with becoming the Regina George of nannies. Establish your ground quickly. Speaking Spanish and Tagalog is a plus with this skill.
6) Do not be afraid of costume changes. If your charge thinks it’s a brilliant idea to wear red pants and an orange top, take it as a lesson in color wheel clashing… And demand a change immediately. You wouldn’t want the other nannies to think.. Well, I’ll direct you back to point #5.
7) If you charge is crying (particularly if your charge is a tot), match her crying sounds. She will look at you like you’re crazy at first, but it will eventually piss her off so much that she’ll stop. That’s a guarantee.
8) Nothing is ever off limits if it is within a kid’s reach. No matter how many times you tell him/her not to touch your Louis Vuitton/makeup bag/shoes/computer/iPad, that makes it all the more appealing. Keep it all out of reach. This is especially true for makeup, unless of course you want to have that awkward “I wasn’t watching your kid close enough and she smashed eyeshadow in to your Pottery Barn sofa I’m really sorry” conversation with the family you work for.
9) If there is a bug in the house, it is completely acceptable to freak out. Actually, I would even venture to say that it is ideal to freak out. Pick the kid up, scream, and run out of the house for your life. This will instill a fear of all things creepy and crawly, saving yourself from further problems down the road. Which brings me to my next point…
10) While it may be difficult to get your little pumpkin to eat his/her carrots/spinach/cauliflower, he/she will be the first to shove dirt/sand/insects in his/her mouth the second you look away. Why is this? That may be the first question I ask as soon as I cross the pearly gates. Do not be afraid to look bad in front of the other nannies if this situation arises. Sometimes it is in fact necessary to shove your hand in the kid’s mouth to make him/her spit it out while repeating, “Let’s never eat sand again, OK?” I wholeheartedly wish I was not speaking from experience as I write this…
Welp, I guess I’d better go search the laundry room for some Shout. I can’t very well be seen with a snot stain, huh?